'need toner or ink?, think tonerink'

So So So,

Usually I don’t have much time to think. Well lately I haven’t. When I went to brazil for 6 weeks I had TOO much time to think. And since being back I haven’t had enough time to think.

Lifes so funny in that way, when you have the thing that you want…..you don’t want it anymore??

So its actually really good to be working here at nazila’s work (just for 1 day). It’s a tonerink shop down in Neutral Bay and because its not like JB I have time to ponder.

Money. At the moment I can get by. As in pay rent, eat and buy mcflurry’s. But anything more then that and I could be having problems. Because Angela is not working im paying 60% of the rent back home, which is actually a good deal for myself, god bless kat. So it’s a little more expensive for me to ‘live’ as such, but Angela is a amazingly good at not spending any money. Shes funny like that. Money does not really affect her in that sense. Like she doesn’t need anything really to keep herself occupied, I know she REALLY wants to work and earn some money but like the only thing which costs me a little bit more is really the rent. I guess I spend a bit more on food too per week but not too much more.

When Angela has money though she spends it so fast and on silly stuff. That’s where im not too bad. I hardly buy anything as in luxuries besides food. I guess food is my luxury. I don’t buy clothes or anything fancy like that, so im happy with that.

So jobs ?

JB is good, like its easy I go there and then I go home and I get paid. I enjoy my time at the shop too I have to say. I never really dread going to work, I enjoy it. But there comes a time when you need a little bit of change. Ive been at JB a while now it has done me well and I have enjoyed it but it is time for a change to a different area.

I want to go back to uni, I want to work hard in an officey kinda job to gain some experience too. Combining these is hard ? then theres Angela too. I love her. I want to be with her. Ive always placed relationships above anything else in my life…..is that a good thing ? ? hahah I guess it depends on who you ask?

Ive never wanted anything too fancy. I try to keep things simple. I like having a big group of friends, I like helping them when they need help and I like how they help me when I need help too. I am ridiculously lucky with friends and my family. Theres never been a doubt there.

So what happens in 2months or so when Angela leaves? Im not too sure. Fuck sometimes I don’t even want to think about it. How is it going to work? We have done 6months apart already….and it was hard on me. I don’t think Angela respected me enough during this time and I really did work bloody hard to keep the relationship alive. But I have no regrets over that. As some would know I have problems forgiving people. The reason? I know its egocentric, but the reason its hard for me to forgive is because I don’t see why you should in first place. That sounds WAY harsh but I don’t mean it like that. You see, for someone to forgive you it means you need of done something in the first place. I ALWAYS try not to do that ‘thing’ in the first place. Now im not talking about petty things here, I can forgive them. But im talking about important things to do with love and respect etc.

Now I think im am a bloody stubborn person. The way I think sometimes becomes maybe to simplistic for some. And maybe I need to change the way I think, maybe I am thinking? I guess my entire life when it comes to love has been interesting. This new relationship I have been in has been very different to the last in some way and very similar in others.

I feel for the first 6months of this relationship I tried everything. I think I always start out at a 100 miles an hour and it’s a bit intense. That’s just how I am I guess. When I feel something genuine for someone I do not let anything get in the way….ANYTHING. For me anything becomes an excuse. Its like im on this wild ride which only goes straight (the goal being love [cliché` yes and yes I think too practical sometimes]) and nothing can stop me. Now I believe I always feel this before the other person. Well that’s what it seems like in the 2 relationships which have been important to me.

But I think I am slowly learning. Not exactly changing but learning….well as much as I can, I did say I am stubborn. So with Angela, I was intense for 6months and then spent all my money to go and see her again, though im not sure she was so ‘into’ the relationship at this time. I took a chance. I always do. And if I did not in this relationship it would have been over a long time ago.

But now I think things have changed. I believe Angela is starting to ‘feel’ more as such. Be more emotional not be scared. So things have become more balanced as such. But you see things will all change when she goes back to Brazil. She is going back to brazil…theres no way of stopping this, we both knew this when she got the visa too. Even say in the extreme case I married her (let me just state that is a VERY extreme case) she would still need to go back and it would take I think like upto 6months to get her back again.

So where does that leave me? As some say. Love will find a way. It did make me spend all my savings…Maybe I just use love as an excuse for not living in the ‘real’ world and to ignore other areas of my life. Maybe to an extent I do, but its because I don’t feel there as important.

Maybe I’ve just got my priorities messed up.maybe.

But I’m sure someone famous says something like this;

"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all".