Compelled

I just watched enough rope. Its my usual Monday night routine. I love it, its one of the best shows on tv, though it does depend on who is getting interviewed. Tonight was a Dr who is 'pro' euthanasia (allowing someone to kill themselves) and then after they had this crazy adventurer guy (I just looked it up, his name is Jon Muir). He had just completed a solo traverse across Australia, unassisted and by himself.

What the video here (note the 2nd half of the interview was more interesting)

This interview was quite amazing. The man was quite amazing, and Andrew Denton through his past experience in studying psychology (this helps him in all his interviews) was able to draw some very deep/personal things from the gentlemen. And they made sense, they made sense to me anyway.

Hence me feeling compelled to write this piece, for myself.

He talked about survival. He talked about the edge, about how focused you become when your at your most exhausted. How everything makes sense, and you can only think about one thing. He said he did all this adventure stuff because that is where you learn the most, its where your true colours shine through. As much as i DONT have experience in this, i am fortunate to understand him. I have been to extremes, well i have pushed myself beyond the normal length. It was the greatest feeling i have ever had. I remember people saying that its kind of an addiction. Just like drugs are for some, just like constantly buying things are too. To me, i think it could be my addiction. I have always been a healthy person and not been addictive to many things (besides being healthy lol). Things like drugs ive never become addicted too luckily. Sure yes, i like trying drugs...but i dont consistently take them because i see no need for it and i enjoy other things.

This addiction, i might have, about getting high in the sense of pushing yourself to the extreme could be my Achilles heel. Most days it does eat away at me. Some could say its the travel bug....and i think to an extent it is. Pushing myself just physically is one thing, but travelling solo is a great mental test too. Most people dont do it. Their scared. But i love exactly that about it. Being scared.....fear....its where you learn the most too. The gentleman (Jon) said things about how fear is a great emotion, its a needed emotion. The majority of our lives where told/taught to be scared of fear. Get a secure job, go to uni, get a girlfriend, get married, have children, dont go to that country, stay away from there, dont talk to them etc etc So basically we are all trying to create a controlled environment for ourselves and hence lessen the amount of fear. We all do its, we are all influences to some extent by our context, culture or national psyche.

But when you break out of that.......when you delve into a zone which you dont know, you get scared yes, but for me thats the most exciting part. In some sense, its the same as taking drugs....you become 'free' to an extent. When im by myself, in a country i dont know and cant speak the language of i get freaked out a lil'. But i have quite a rational mind in these kind of cases. I can use logic to make myself calm and also continue on what i have to do and experience amazing things. Its the same when going on long treks, i can rationalise and continue. Thats one thing i am greatful for, i dont know how i learn this skill, but it has saved me and given me the opportunity to do things and go further than i could of normally. Im quite level headed i believe.

Which comes to something else.

That fear/on edge emotion i understand now is something i have always craved. I reckon i could relate it to past relationships and being in 'love'. I think this is definitely the same sort of feeling or euphoria. Its a drive. Thats one thing which i havent said before, drive? what is my drive? Well love has driven me to do some pretty nutty things, all good though. It has also i think pushed me and motivated me to do some extreme things ive done too. I dont know if that makes much sense. I guess you could split that down 2 ways. Either the 'love' of doing the extreme thing or somehow knowing what loving someone means and that pushing you to climb another hill. Love is the most extreme emotion i think. I have thought many times when im on some random hill/mountain and think of how i felt when i loved someone and that what i was feeling at that exact mountain was NOTHING compared to the feeling of love. That has pushed me before. I dont know......that probaly doesnt make sense to many people, but it does to me.

So yes. Where is this going. Im not too sure. I remember i wanted to write something about the routines of life and how like it just doesnt cut it for me. I think its because atm im not pushing myself physically (well i am playing a lot of sport, but i do crave something more) and also mentally im not challenging myself. Was university a challenge for me before? I think to an extent. But my last degree, let be truthful wasnt hard. I didnt find it hard and i dont think anika/ben found it very hard either. I think if i did something like engineering (which i probably couldnt do) i would find it hard. Straight answers. Only yes and no. I find that harder then the soft answers. Ie psychology, business, education etc. For me these things are easy.

Challenges. I really should stop writing here and go research more for uni. Im still a little indecisive with that. I know i want to do teaching. But timing is the thing. I want to go overseas again lol, like normal. The thing is, im not sure what is happening with the family. Like my parents are both overseas atm and its been great. It really has, i have come accustomed to living by myself and i enjoy it. Sure i dont get cooked meals....but im eating well. Hehe thats the only thing i do miss whilst travelling and being here by myself. It probably sounds harsh as in a should miss my family, friends etc and i do, but food is one of my great loves eheheh.

So yeah the family. Well im guessing that when my mum comes back in just under 2 weeks she will stay here over xmas. Because everyone in the family is coming to syd! (sweet!!!) its the first time the solomons's have all been together for xmas in a long time. But after xmas, as my mum is not working anymore, she might go and live with dad over in south africa for at least a while (thinking 3months). Then when that jobs over they will both move back here. The thing is my dad is bound to get another job somewhere other then Sydney. Its not like he plans too, but he also loves to travel (I think I inherited that gene) so he will be off again. Mum even said maybe Perth or somewhere like that....who knows....it could be Perth but just as likely Suriname.

In any case, if he moves somewhere else im guessing mum will go with him this time. Which means no-one will be at home which means i shall have to look after the house again. I dont mind this, it will give me the opportunity to save more cash and i do love millie. However, it will mean i cant travel in that time because i will be looking after the house.

I have to say ... a few years back i had to look after the house too. And i cant say I did the best of jobs. It was a bad time for me. It was bad times in relationships which affected me more then i realised (hind site is a marvellous thing). So i didnt really look after the place ie not cleaning and just generally having a low level of hygiene. But this time, i think i have proved to my parents i can do it. I have been obsessive in keeping this place clean, paying bills, organising insurance and so on. I think travelling has just generally helped me get a lot more independent and organised in certain areas of my life.

Hmmm.....so yes. These predictions about the family etc are all just that predictions. I dont know whats going to happen, no-one ever does in the solomons's family. So i guess we just have to wait and see.

love to ya all =P

Joely