Fix the world!!!!! how about u start with yourself buddy

hehe like the topic, u thought this post would be really deep and meaningful one eh?

well i dont know what it is.

So i havent posted for a while...well not like too long...a few days...whats a few days between friends? i dont know that either

Well i have been actually doing alot...well so it seems...i have been making myself be occupied with stuff so i guess i dont have to think about other stuff. But joel what stuff do you have to think about? your male...u dont have emotions or feelings...you get over stuff quickly...comeon fuck u.

Yes anyway, what have i been upto lately....well i feel like i have taken a million photo's since my brothers semi-deformed toe. Oh and the poo photo was poo from millie...when i had come home after seeing the cousins...and my brother somehow didnt enter the lounge room when he got home so i found it. hehe well he had to clean up some other poo before...so we kinda even. That and he has a bung toe atm ehee.

So yeah as you probaly know my damn memory is bad....well i wouldnt say bad...as i mean flipin' atrocious. Even with all these damn photo's ive taken i cant remember exactly whats happening. im kinda just plodding along in a semi dream state.

So last monday or tuesday morning....a few of us....sareh, her sister, roo, cam were at steve's for his final major work of burning down the house . Well it wasnt really a house, it was a city of matchstikes....1000..millions...of them! i have some really cool photo's of the burning process before and after and hopefully they will be posted at the end of this blog. Heheh it was burnt and filmed in his garage and it got a little more hot then we expected and smokey...so we had to open the garage door and we got some good ol'fashions smoke-o-lungs...u know the ones u use to get in the pub before they changed the law. Hehe i remember getting home ready for bed pretty late and my top smelt like i had been camping....the smokey smell hehe was cool! anyways some other funny stuff that we did that night was sareh suggesting we need 10 songs with the word 'fire' in them whilst the burning was happening. I think we even got there.....my fav was the franz songs 'this fiiire'. HEhe the lyrics were like perfect....'We're going to burn this city, burn this city...yeeeaahhh' awesome psych up song i would buggy right now too it baby! Cant wait till their gig in Jan!! I think i will do some of my professional film editing and put that track with the footage i got eheh.

Which gets to me what im listening to now. Bjork - Vespertine. Now i dont know much about Bjork...except that i pronouce her B joorrk ehhe ...well i think its funny ha! Well roo use to listen to her ages ago, and i remember AGES ago...like years ago watching some channel V with my mum ...maybe even before we had foxtel....and we saw the clip to 'its oh so quiet'. Damn that was in sydney before i went to melbourne, i do have a memory! Well my mum really liked the clip but couldnt really understand the song, the clip is really well done..its like really well coreographed and it reminds me of an old music film. Well i d/l like about 9 realeases of bjork the otherday cause i have always been interested in her, just never bothered to listen to it properly, just heard random songs from roo and also seen a music video dvd of hers. So i got the albums and this Vespertine is awesome and so its the Post album, there really all ive listened too. The 1st track 'Hidden Place' is really cool. Theres just something about it which i relate to atm..the hidden place...also the back ground sounds seem like there done on computer but somehow sound natural and mysterious. You should listen to it if you havent. Ill buy this album some time in the future....see the internet makes me buy more albums then i have ever before! so suck shit RIAA....well dont suck shit cause im supporting you...so are.....well RIAA u just suck in general. And fuck sony too. Seriously lately i been reading about them installing SECRET spyware on your computer for certain cd's which disables you playing it with certain programs and also sends information back to sony. THATS ILLEGAL...well it better be you cunts, farkn bastards....whos really getting annoyed at the internet..its not the farkn band its the farkn middle/obsolete record companies who cant be bothered or think its too risky to change their pre-historic method of distribution. FUCK YOU AGAIN. Now go read that link i posted ages ago from Tim O'Rielly...so u can hate them too. (I guess there are some indie labels which are ok but the entire idea of record companies is shit). Also check out this link (easy to digest) or this one (easy to disgest) or this link (more techy) about the sony spyware stuff.

So where am i have lost my train of thought after trying to find those links...so u better actually click on em!!

So umm yeah..on saturday night..which comes before sunday.....not exactly a logical order? I went with cam and met with toby and played pool/drank a bit @ the orchard tavern. Gotta love a place which hasnt changed in 10 probaly over 10years and you can relie on. Are yes the tavern..we have all been there..and we all love it! but yes i better get to this week

On Tuesday i woke up pretty damn late, middayish, after the burning down the house thingy and was feeling pretty down. I think i got mopey that day and was feeling pretty crap sad about the whole relationship thing. I think it started from looking at the photo of rosie and i in my diary. Was a black and white one of us and she has the funniest expression and looks like a giraffe ahha arhh. Also theres this quote on the page opposite saying 'nice photo buy whos the ugly bitch' which she wrote...loser..in a nice way. Yeah so i was feeling like shit..hadnt done any proper exercise in a while and felt like a blob. Hehe 'boy and his blob' old skool computer game i never actually played but also wanted it, im talking before space quest days here ppl. Back to the day thing...so feeling like shit so i decided well basically cracked it and went to the park with millie for a jog. Was really good..the weather was strange.....like whilst walking to the park it was raining but still kinda sunny..then got to the oval and it became damn sunny..like hot...had that steamy feeling too....so i had a good jog in the sun sweating like a pig on a spit (never used that expression before). After the jog i felt a lot better, felt like i finally had done something active......When i got home got a msg from cam about the sculptures by the sea at bondi. We had talked about going to it the other night and the weather clearing up and becoming hot and sunny so we went to bondi around 4-5ish. Now i had heard about the sculptures every year on the new and stuff but never bothered to go, but im definately happy that i did. Cause there were some awesome sculptures including this glass made fence which had this cool peephole in it so u could see through it to the ocrean, that was one of my favs....i have so many damn photos i wish i could post them all! Ill make a seperate post from this with heaps of photos i think. Also i like any kinda of sculpture made from a metal..like steel etc..which is bent into a fluent/curvey shape. I just like how they have shapped such a hard material into something so flowing and just generally cool. There were heaps of this kind of stuff + more so check out the photos and if your in syd head down to bondi on a sunny day and take the walk, just be warned there are a mysteriosuly large about of ppl running up, down, left, right of the walkway. Like HEAPS they are everywhere..i can see why ppl do go jogging along the walk though. Its between bondi and some beach starting with T. And it goes right along the headlands right on the edge of the ocrean....wicked setting for the exhibition. Also there was a cool hurdle sculpture/art work which i cant be bothered to explain here so go see it for your self.

Yes so after that we went to meet roo in the city to watch Wolf Creek @ george st cinemas. But we pulled out in the end and cam drove us back home and i went home earlyish planning to get a good sleep before my first day at Jb's in chatty.

Which comes to my next thing, i havent been having good sleeps lately. I dont know what it is...well i have an assumption. Ill get to that. So ill blame my bad sleeps on the weather getting hotter....Its probaly the only thing i dont like about summer...is trying to sleep in hot weather at home. I dont mind it so much whilst camping and stuff. But when at home hot night (only when ur trying to sleep, not when your out) are annoying. I just toss (you have a sick mind) and turn all night and that night i had to start reading about 3am to try and make myself really really tired. So eventually i fell asleep. So i guess i should get to the real reason i havent been sleeping well..and da dooom chiii (drums)....its because i have heaps of things in my head just floating around and they havent been expressed. Yes about the whole breakup thing. You see as you can tell from my previous posts they have mainly just been descriptive about stuff ive been DOING not actually REFLECTIVE and helping me. The entire point of this blog was to help me get through this troubled time...hehe that sounds chessy. And no i dont know why i put doing and reflective in capital letters.

So yeh i dont know if i have anything exactly to say about the entire thing..i just feel i should say something. I guess i have been trying to hide stuff....hoping it goes away. I dont even do it really on purpose....its just i have been doing stuff lately so less time to think about it. What is there to think about it, i dont even farkn know. It always comes to me before i go to sleep so damn hook this upto my brain before i fall asleep and it would be an interesting blog! Eeek right now i just cant think of precisely what i want to say. Let me turn down the music now...sorry b joooork.

hmm to much pressure. I guess i have been missing rosie lately. Like just hanging out with her and stuff like that. I saw some photo's the other day whilst visiting hadas at her work....her overseas photo's and some of when they were in wagga. And there were some of rosie.....i think it just comes down to missing her. If you spend alot of time with someone...and then suddenly none you miss them, its natural. Also there were heaps of overseas photo's of matt and hadas and i was so jelous of them, in a good way. It makes me want to travel so much when i see shit like that..serously..it makes me question why the hell im here in sydney. But then the logical part takes in place and i think i need money to travel etc, dont rush stuff. But i just get over excited like a kid when they get a present or something, probaly more along the lines of flustered in a positive way. Im like omg omg omg omg omg , thats so cool cool cool cool..i should be there...awww thats so cool too, i want to go there, or that would of been fun, i cant believe you went there! That forrest looks nice....geez jeruselm looks crazy, desert i tells ya! There were some really nice shots of hadas and matt together too which hit the spot ehhe that sounds funny too. You know what i mean, hadas and matt are both very photogenic people and they both look so damn happy in the shots! It makes me feel happy too that someone can be so happy too!! eheh i get a little too happy and then sad that i cant experience that with someone. Well i guess its not that i cant....its something else.

I guess i can experience that with someone, it i want too. But do i want too? i guess we all just get influenced so heavily with things we 'see'. Anything visual just seems so much more important/real/wanted compared to otherways of sensing. Well i guess feeling is big..but that feeling sometimes stems from things we see, hence the photos making you feel a certain way or art meaning more to others.....guess why tv is so influencuel and addictive. Rosie once did an assignment on it a while back i remember, she even got a HD for it..i think.

So yeah the photos made me realise stuff......i guess it just made me see that im not with someone and that i wont be experiencing certain things with someone. I guess the photo was just another harsh realisation of the things that have happened. Doesnt mean i want to change what had happened.....or wish i did things differently cause theres no reason to fret on the past..u cant change that..if it even exists. Now dont go into qutumn physics now Joel, cause you dont know what your talking about and Seb will argue with logic that time does exist so stop!!!

'i love him, i love him, i love him, i love him, she loves him, she loves him, she loves him, she loves him, she loves him, she loves him, she loves him' no im not going crazy but it just seems that sometimes shit happens at wierd times. If you didnt know, those are lyrics from a Bjork song which seems to playing right now and me just noticing it at this time. Nothings a coincedence? So Neale Donald Walsch says in his books.

So.......again another song from Fiona Apples new cd with lyrics along the lines of unconditional love..wasted on someone who doesnt believe in it. Rose would like this song...ill give u cd when i c u next.

So what is unconditional love well thanks to the internet and dictionary.com its

Definition: affection with no limits or conditions; complete love.


I guess its something which your parents have for you in some cases. Or something you have with friends maybe. Sometimes with friends your really close and you love them in a certain way....i guess thats whats great about having close friends, you have unconditional love for them, i think i do for some friends.....but then again im not too sure. Now should you have unconditional love for the person your in a relationship with. Is there different types of love. I guess there is, i dont really want to be passionate and physically close to all friends, well except roo after a few drinks, JOKE.

So yeah there are different types of love....well for me i think there is. I love you and you and you, but in different ways. I guess you show that in different ways too...in the way you care about them....the way you worry about them...well maybe not so much worry.

So in my relationship with rosie, did i love her? of corse i did....and i dont think it was in the friendship kind of love. I had never felt anything like i did with her with anyone else previously. But does that mean you loved her? I had never done the things i had done for anyone else before...not with the sole intention of making her happy. But does that mean you loved her? I had never felt as happy and complete with anyone else before. But does that mean you loved her? Whats with that question stop it you mofo.

So did i love her, do i love her. Well all of the above but in different ways. I dont know even if i can explain it. I dont know if who ever reads this will take it a certain way compared to others.

Did you love rosie unconditionally? The answer is probaly no. I dont know if i did. I dont know if i could, honestly i dont. Love to everybody is different. Will i love unconditionally anyone in the way of being more then just friends. I dont know. I guess somehow i hope i do. But then is unconditional love the type of love for relationships. It should be i guess. Neale says it should, so its gotta be right eh?

I dont know if it is or not, i dont know if i can or not, i dont know if im capable or not. Well i am, cause i do express that kind of love to friends, its kind of an unspoken type of love. A love which doesnt neccessary need to be spoken about but you and the person know it exists. I guess its just not explicit love, but explicit love...or love which is expressed in a relationship between two people...well is just that expressed. Yet unconditional love is not usually expressed...or maybe i just dont express it as much or in totally different ways with friends. Have i lost you yet, you have lost me Joel and im trying this!

Im definately not going to re-read this as i will just get lost in it. So lucky you i guess, or not.

Guess this guess that, guess what wrist im hold a cat.
guess whats this, guess whats right, guess and you wont get a fright

love her this way, it be alright, hope you really are alright

poems are shit, you need talent to write them, so stop now or you be laughed at.

That last line didnt rhyme but i dont give a shit cause im just fine.

im really lying, im fucked on the inside, fix the world and you can then say your flying.