Welcome to Joel's Emtional Brain Part 1.

Before anyone reads this. please not its not a personal attack or anything, its just whats going on in my head. it changes from 1st person perspective to 3rd person so too bad if u dont understand. its not for you its for me.

'Welcome to Joels brain. Enjoy your stay and please no judging or drawing conclusions from what u read.'

Sunday 02/10/05 10.25pm

hmm.
As i sit here in wagga, on my computer i feel even a little scared to start typing....i kinda of feel like i have so much to say yet each time i try to type something i somehow purposely forget what to type, yet if i go sit on the bed my mind is flooded with all sorts of wierd stuff.
i guess i should really put on some music. haha sigur ros, how quaint as some would say. perfect music for perfect....what?
i guess i should start this off with what happened today, and i must say this entire piece of writing is going to be totally messey and all over the place and might not even make any sense but for some reason i feel compelled to write something......again
So what happened today? i caught a train from sydney to wagga at 7.45am from central station. rosie was nice enough to come and meet me at my house and walk to turramurra station and catch the train to central station. we got to the station about 6.15am and it was a splendid morning weather wise. I hadnt been up at the station or anywhere outdoors at that time for quite a while. It was wierd cause the day u could tell would be beautiful. the morning was crisp, the sky ultra blue and no clouds just blue, green and people. if i wasnt feeling so like out of it and it was just a normal day in sydney and i was getting up then i would of been blown away by it. instead i had so many other things on my mind that i probaly didnt soak the atmosphere in as much as normal. i remember when i first got my ipod and had just put some music on it. i remember i put on the classic song by Louie Armstrong - a wonderful world. hehe so cliche`. but i would get up early for uni and listen to that song every morning whilst walking up my hill to the station. the lyrics seemed so right. everything was blue and most definately green. it made me feel so damn good every morning forget everything and just listen and view. it was like i was an observer of something when walking to the station, i dont what i was observing but it was beautiful.
even writing just that has made a difference. i feel i have not written anything for ever. i use to write alot more, i use to have these pure thoughts and feelings going through my head all the time. i dont know what happened i just stopped writing and kind of closed up i guess. im not going to kid anyone and say i have been writing forever. i only really started and realised alot probaly about a year ago and even more so whilst i was in perth. in perth it made me realise so much and right now i feel like i have forgotten everything. everything about me, everything about everything. i cant really pin-point it i dont know even if i should try too but i just felt so much more open and free. like right now i dont feel bad or even like sad. i guess when people get depressed the symptoms are so different for everyone. if i ever going to feel depressed i guess this is it. its not even that bad for me, i feel for others who get depressed and totally close up change and cant function or enjoy anything. i dont even really like calling it depression because i dont feel depressed i just feel different. depression makes it sound like such a problem, but really its not, not for me. i guess i should try to think of a better world for it but i cant, just not feeling .....100%. maybe im even trying to hide that im depressed eheh? i dont really know what it is, guess have to keep an open mind.
whilst i was on the train today SO many thoughts went through my head. like about everything and everyone, it was quite a mind fuck. like when i got on the train i was a little sad for leaving rosie and sydney but wasnt too bad i was kind of numb a little. i think my brain was like preparing itself for something which i didnt really know was going to happen but did at the same time. as soon as the train departed i basically closed my eyes and my mind took over me. i didnt put on any music for about 1/2hr just trying to sleep but then remembered i had music. so i put it on and just played it from the first album. the actual player was rosie's and the music her's too, it was a good choice for me at that time. helped me like get into some kind of strange mood reflecting mood or something. its wierd cause i remember the last time i caught that exact train to wagga to see rosie. its really surreal beacuse that day the weather was exactly the same. the sun was all u could see, the sky blue as blue and everyone seemed really happy at the thought that the seasons were changing. all i remember from that trip was that i was really happy, glowing on the inside. i feel i didnt really know what i was doing, just doing the right thing. i dont think i even knew rosie that well at the time, but i was still excited and felt like this little baby getting its favourite toy, or eating lollies for the first time. some kind of inner-happiness or neiverity that you get. hmm when i think about it, it was excitment, anticipation. i had never done something like this before, i was going on a train...to meet someone.....somewhere else.....for some reason. ??? still doesnt make sense but i guess everything doesnt have too. though i still think it should, but then it shouldnt arhh dont get me started on that one, well not now. anyways back to what i remember, i remember i was sitting in the window seat, the seat next to me vacant and i had the sun shinning on me. it was warm and just perfect. the scenery was amazing....fields and fields....on green, yellow and purple. cows and sheep were out enjoying the day and so was i. i remember listening to the sommersault soundtrack on the way. this was like the first time i had really listened to that kind of music, call me shallow but i was just opening up to it. it was an amazing feeling. the music just propelled me and put me in a state were everything was flawless. the hills just seemed greener and the sky bluer, really really strange it was a feeling that i dont think i had ever felt before....dont know what it was, it was just that.
anyway again, the trip today was the same but so different too. the weather the same, but this entire time i didnt really open my eyes until the end. seriously i think i opened my eyes for a total of 3mins till i was close to junee. see usually i would of taken in the scenery again and the sky and the entire atmosphere of the day, but i didnt, i just closed my eyes and my mind went on this crazy trip taking ideas from everywhere putting them together, mashing them, unmashing them and just trying to make sense of everything which is happening now. it was even trying to make sense of old stuff and new stuff. still cant believe i didnt move for about 6hours, didnt leave the seat, didnt feel hungry, didnt feel like talking to the strangers and meeting new people, didnt feel like reading the newspaper i bought, didnt feel like getting up to get some water, didnt feel like well anything then exactly what i was doing. the trip was the quickest train trip i have ever taken to wagga. its a total of 7hours...but felt like 15mins...seriously....amazing. i dont even know if i was asleep or not, i felt like i was sleeping (like my body was sleeping) but upstairs my mind was basically raping me. not in a bad way just zigzagging through stuff. i even remember now thinking on the train if i could write this stuff down as fast as im thinking it, if i had a laptop to type it would of made the wierdest brain dump. but then again i dont think i could of typed it was i would of had to open my eyes and enter some kind of reality...which maybe i didnt really want too.
hmmm having a break right now from typing, dont know where its leading me.
ehhe before i was like ready for bed, after watching half of the movie 'the exxtra' with jimoen and i remember looking at the video time and i thought it was 10.30, but then i went to the computer and it said 8.30pm and i was like shite, so i checked my watch and it was 8.30pm and i was like damn i thought it was closer to bed time, and i woudlnt have to write anything tonight. but it was 8.30pm and so i couldnt go to bed that early cause i would wake up sometime tonight and not get back to sleep. so i finished watching the movie (which wasnt too bad at all) and decided to turn on the computer and see what happens. and i guess this did.
i dont feel like really writing anymore tonight, feel like taking a break. i should write down some stuff to remind me the next time i write.
- what im feeling- choice is good- not meant to be with anyone / in a relationship now, not fair- someother random stuff about something

Monday morning 03/10/05 1amish

(typed from handwritten notepad)
You talk about signs.....fuck anything more obvious and i would of died (thats a saying right?) Well you didnt just experience that so u probaly have no idea what happened. Well ill inform u. I had just said good night to lindz, glen and brock and katie when i came back into my room and had the light on. i then walked over to the bed side light/lamp to turn it on and i did. i then proceeded to turn off the main light and hopped into bed. obviously i turn on the bedside light on before turning the main light off so i can still see stuff. after getting into bed i turned off the bed side light and tried to get to sleep. 30 seconds later i hear the sound of my magazines above me stir and fall....wow big deal u ask, but then the only thing that falls off that ledge is a pen and lounds on the fucking pillow next to me and touches my ear. coincidence? i dont know i always been told theres no such thing as coincedences so hmm. anyways i thought OK OK OK ill write something but i didnt know what to write.
Well i should say i got my pad out and started to scibble this down. For some reason im not totally freaked out by the entire scenario but rather quite calmed and releaxed. am i meant to be freaked out? as i said could of been nothing????
I feel like i must confess everything or something for a reason. i dont even think that this is important but i must write it anyway. One is about the diary that rose keeps. I saw my baby photo coming out of it so i picked it up and looked at it. i flicked through a couple of pages realises it was heaps personal stuff in it (like a diary) so i put it down. i read like a page of it and saw i should not be so i put it down. Now i dont even know why im telling anyone this because i personally dont feel its too important. but something else does. i thought i better tell you, wierd....my arm hurts from writting.
I dont even know what else to write. maybe thats it? i just played some computer games before i went to bed. the game C&C: Gernerals which was cool. i played as china and i never knew how important the propoganda towers are. they add 25% faster firing rate and reheal your units too! yay more death quicker!
Brain cleansing or soul cleansing? what is there to cleanse anyway.....
FFS something just came to me. (this is after putting the pad down and trying to sleep again). geeez, im just want to get some sleep.
You know how when we first started to go out, i had nothing to hide from you rose. like nothing....you would read/know anything about me, i was simple. i feel like i slowly closed up. i dont know why...it could of been from getting hurt, which just happens. I want to change that and become my old self. i dont know how, when that will happen. It wont happen over night but it will happen (no pun intended)[i even have a sense of humour at 2am!]. I think going overseas will be helpful and make me change for the btetter. hopefully i can go back to that self, open, free, happy, satisfied, approachable. [the next bit i cant even read my own writing] Something 'like i dont count be got that though'. I guess im scared of that, not too sure. I dont think it be good to be in a relationship with me, or for me, not fair on anyone else. I guess thats why i feel this, i've made some sort of right decision with rose and me (us). Tough one and heartbreaking one, but right for some reason. Well feels right now. Its hard i want to do so much other stuff too with rose and not feel like we missed out on stuff, but i think now isnt the right time either, maybe all the stuff i thought we were going to do doesnt have to be done, or maybe its best done as being friends. I dont know, i dont want to get peoples hopes up or down. I dont know what i want. I just want to be by myself and do that for however long. I really dont want to be with anyone too, for so many reasons, positive reasons......now lets sleep ffs.