Music for your eyes!
Well, im here again at my boss's house after working for a few hours and stuff. I seem to spend quite a bit of time here, i like it cause im by myself and have the net to use + lots of cds to rip. Thanks again to michael for letting me be here whilst he's working.
The thing is i have like stuff at home ready to blog..about the previous day but didnt bring it alot with me so i cant post it. Feels wierd to post this stuff when i know quite a bit to post from yesterday, but i guess i can change the Time & date of post and make it in order so it makes at least a little sense.
I really really hate being rushed to blog. i really need to be nice and calm, settled and relaxed otherwise i cant think straight and shit dont come out right.
The past few days i have been feeling really really good. I even felt a little guilty at how good i was feeling. Hadnt felt great for ages and the last couple days have been great. Just playing soccer/bball/swimming been really good and making me feel better. That and have been talking to rosie a bit.
The thing is..i guess i have to be totally honest otherwise hiding shit would just make me get now where. But i have been hearing about her doing her thing which is good. Each time i hear shes just been smoking and stuff...well i get some type of relief. Not that shes actually smoking but i dont have to think about her. Not that it bothered me anyway, but like i felt kind of like no pressure for anything and dont have to care nearly as much, which is refreshing. Was a good feeling, i was like just felt good about the decision i made a while back. Fuck even getting sick of thinking about this too, but i guess its all i really concentrate on whilst im here.
But then today i didnt feel good. Like i went for a swim before work...farkn forgot my towel out of all things and had to drip dry and then get changed for work!! hehe was annoying. But at work today i felt empty. Like i dont even know what the feeling was. Hard to explain.....honestly i felt for a little while what have i done, wtf is happening. All the good days from before seemed to mean nothing for a while. Like i was questioning everything.....and also thinking about stuff we could of done together....like i was thinking about going overseas and how much better it would of been to be with someone especially her. Like i think about how she would make the trip better, how she would make me go to places where i wouldnt normally go....would make me have more fun. I dont know maybe she would maybe not. i guess i cant really say that....or think that.......but then like i think of past stuff and like it calms me back down....it makes me think i have made the right decision. I dont know if i do that on purpose to cope with the decision i have made or that it is good to think about old stuff. Thinking about old stuff its kinda a pathetic way to justify new shit. especially decisions. im scared of seeing her this w/e. i dont want to feel anything for her i really dont. like i think about being in a relationship and i know that i will feel like shit again. Maybe i have been feeling better lately cause i havent been seeing her, i dont know. but i think like right now...im scared. I dont want myself to feel feelings for her, its not fair to me or her. i dont want too. thats why i guess when u break up with people u dont see them, so no old feelings or new feelings come up, u can block it out...easier to cope with it that way. its true that the feelings never really go away. trying to stop them coming back is another thing. maybe they wont come back. but if they do im screwed. i dont want them too its fucked, the situation im in is totally due to me. i can think of times when i feel good about the decision, but sometimes i think its this little dorment place in me which still has feelings no matter what. They dissapear sometimes and makes u deal with everything so much easier and feels great cause u think theres nothing but u...nothing else good to focus on.
I go through times where i want to go to finland and see my parents and maybe even see lucas and stuff overseas. i think be good for me to get away. then to make that decision is even bigger, to go through with it. i feel i have to make that decision no matter what because i cant stay here. Its fucked. i made it fucked, i will make it un-fucked. Either way , whatever happens im the one who made it that way..and i have to live with it.
i feel this entire post might give people the wrong idea about some shit but dont take anything from it please.
You see the thing is, like i spoke to michael and he said i can have heaps more shifts for the next few weeks as the assistant manager resigned like 2 days ago. He said about 20hours / week. So lets do some calculations 20x17 = $340.00 / week, but with tax say about 270. Now why the fuck am i even calculating this? im not staying here.........like i dont even know why i think about it cause its not the right thing to do. i think that it be cool if i could work at tandy but live in town. away from her. be better....for everyone. its not good to be around someone u just broke up with is it? like...fuck its hard. im sick of thinking about it. i just want to go o/s. but then my mind comes in...wouldnt it be good to work a little hard for a few weeks and make some more money for going overseas? but then..i dont need that money, money is annoying...i've got enough to go for a bit and come back and then see how everything is. thats what i should do...and thats what i will do i guess. sometimes i wish things were easier, but they really are im making them more complex.
Go overseas enjoy yourself. Come back for summer. Enjoy that too.
people suck sometimes, even urself.
/out
The thing is i have like stuff at home ready to blog..about the previous day but didnt bring it alot with me so i cant post it. Feels wierd to post this stuff when i know quite a bit to post from yesterday, but i guess i can change the Time & date of post and make it in order so it makes at least a little sense.
I really really hate being rushed to blog. i really need to be nice and calm, settled and relaxed otherwise i cant think straight and shit dont come out right.
The past few days i have been feeling really really good. I even felt a little guilty at how good i was feeling. Hadnt felt great for ages and the last couple days have been great. Just playing soccer/bball/swimming been really good and making me feel better. That and have been talking to rosie a bit.
The thing is..i guess i have to be totally honest otherwise hiding shit would just make me get now where. But i have been hearing about her doing her thing which is good. Each time i hear shes just been smoking and stuff...well i get some type of relief. Not that shes actually smoking but i dont have to think about her. Not that it bothered me anyway, but like i felt kind of like no pressure for anything and dont have to care nearly as much, which is refreshing. Was a good feeling, i was like just felt good about the decision i made a while back. Fuck even getting sick of thinking about this too, but i guess its all i really concentrate on whilst im here.
But then today i didnt feel good. Like i went for a swim before work...farkn forgot my towel out of all things and had to drip dry and then get changed for work!! hehe was annoying. But at work today i felt empty. Like i dont even know what the feeling was. Hard to explain.....honestly i felt for a little while what have i done, wtf is happening. All the good days from before seemed to mean nothing for a while. Like i was questioning everything.....and also thinking about stuff we could of done together....like i was thinking about going overseas and how much better it would of been to be with someone especially her. Like i think about how she would make the trip better, how she would make me go to places where i wouldnt normally go....would make me have more fun. I dont know maybe she would maybe not. i guess i cant really say that....or think that.......but then like i think of past stuff and like it calms me back down....it makes me think i have made the right decision. I dont know if i do that on purpose to cope with the decision i have made or that it is good to think about old stuff. Thinking about old stuff its kinda a pathetic way to justify new shit. especially decisions. im scared of seeing her this w/e. i dont want to feel anything for her i really dont. like i think about being in a relationship and i know that i will feel like shit again. Maybe i have been feeling better lately cause i havent been seeing her, i dont know. but i think like right now...im scared. I dont want myself to feel feelings for her, its not fair to me or her. i dont want too. thats why i guess when u break up with people u dont see them, so no old feelings or new feelings come up, u can block it out...easier to cope with it that way. its true that the feelings never really go away. trying to stop them coming back is another thing. maybe they wont come back. but if they do im screwed. i dont want them too its fucked, the situation im in is totally due to me. i can think of times when i feel good about the decision, but sometimes i think its this little dorment place in me which still has feelings no matter what. They dissapear sometimes and makes u deal with everything so much easier and feels great cause u think theres nothing but u...nothing else good to focus on.
I go through times where i want to go to finland and see my parents and maybe even see lucas and stuff overseas. i think be good for me to get away. then to make that decision is even bigger, to go through with it. i feel i have to make that decision no matter what because i cant stay here. Its fucked. i made it fucked, i will make it un-fucked. Either way , whatever happens im the one who made it that way..and i have to live with it.
i feel this entire post might give people the wrong idea about some shit but dont take anything from it please.
You see the thing is, like i spoke to michael and he said i can have heaps more shifts for the next few weeks as the assistant manager resigned like 2 days ago. He said about 20hours / week. So lets do some calculations 20x17 = $340.00 / week, but with tax say about 270. Now why the fuck am i even calculating this? im not staying here.........like i dont even know why i think about it cause its not the right thing to do. i think that it be cool if i could work at tandy but live in town. away from her. be better....for everyone. its not good to be around someone u just broke up with is it? like...fuck its hard. im sick of thinking about it. i just want to go o/s. but then my mind comes in...wouldnt it be good to work a little hard for a few weeks and make some more money for going overseas? but then..i dont need that money, money is annoying...i've got enough to go for a bit and come back and then see how everything is. thats what i should do...and thats what i will do i guess. sometimes i wish things were easier, but they really are im making them more complex.
Go overseas enjoy yourself. Come back for summer. Enjoy that too.
people suck sometimes, even urself.
/out
posted by Joely at 1:53 am
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